The Hanging Star

So last night I dreamt of a guy, let's call him B. He was in 8 Senior High School, the best highschool ever in Jakarta, and in Indonesia I think. He won the first place in OSN, National Science Olympiad in Geography category (won't tell you which year though...). He's an agnostic and I admired him so much because of his honesty. He is brave to state publicly that he is an agnostic. He's also really smart, right now what I know is he's the leader of some national olympiad in geography for highschoolers in Indonesia. He is obsessed with human-centipede (google it, it's scary) and he once told people in his twitter that there's 'a girl' in his room and he was attracted to her and they were kind of communicating. And that doesn't make him weird, even he looks cool in my eyes.

I had a dream that he is devoted to me, I mean, he liked me, and willing to do anything for me. In my dream he brought me in a rocket (yeah....space rocket) to the outer space to show me the beauty of the space. But there's something missing so I can't fully enjoy it, so he made some stuffs (some really cool stuffs--in a way, nerd stuffs) and I remembered I have this thought on my mind (when I was dreaming, ofcourse) "What can't you do?" I mean, he just knows how to do everything and pleases woman! I really, really admire him. I don't even care if he's not religious or something. But in fact, I believe that he is more religious than whoever you think is religious. He knows the differences between the religions, and that means he has studied them all, right? I think if I'm not lazy enough and want to surf the knowledge between the religions I will become an agnostic as well, but I know my limit; I have a family and they all are expecting from me. I just can't be something other than a moslem. That is why I wear hijab. I want to make my self always aware that I am and always have to be a moslem. I know, the reason (because of the family) is really silly for people who seek the truth, but it's a world where I can't live without them, so I have to find a way of what can I do to behave my self.
The thing is I really admire B. I always wonder when will I meet this person in reality. He is now enrolled in FITB ITB, the place where I really want to be. I wonder if I entered this institute I would know him in person and get to know him further. He's just like a star (like his name) that I can't reach from my place. I really hate the fact that he liked me is only in my dream. It's not like I'm obsessed with him, I just really want to know him, that's all!! In this point I really want to cry...for not being able to do what I want to do. His life is like a dream, I really hope that someday I will meet him in person and he recognizes me.

Actually this blog post wasn't supposed to talk about him, it supposed to tell how I am now in a broken heart. But B's charm is too enormous I just can't stop thinking about him. I will write my broken heart story in another post later.

Before Sunrise Before The Sunset

The day before yesterday felt like a movie. Have you ever watched Before Sunrise before? A movie that tells a story about a guy who met a girl in a train and then took the girl for a walk for the whole day in Venice. The movie mostly was just a conversation between them, but it's enough to tell the audience how big their love is, eventhough they just met on that day.

It was monday, and I have a friend and let's call him E. I texted him, asked him whether he wanted to go out with me because I found the day was boring. Plus it's Ramadan month, it could be a good excuse for us to have a breakfast together. But it was already too late because it was already 4pm or 5pm and I wonder if we were gonna make it in time to have a breakfast. So I told him to go out tomorrow and he agreed.

So it was tuesday, I was already on campus in the morning since I have work to do. Then I finished on 2pm, and E said that he was gonna arrive at my university on 2 or 3 pm. So I rushed to the main shelter where the train station is located, by university bus. I waited and then he came~~!

We then walked along from the train station to my university main library, we talked and catched up. When we arrived at the library, E said he wants to sit for a minute and then we sat in the stone bench in front of the lake. It was crowded with people sitting here and there, discussing their own business. I felt like we were a couple, because that's just typical. I mean, sitting in front of the lake and enjoying the scenery while talking about our lives. It felt like we were on a movie. I can barely hear a soundtrack inside my brain.

We talked and then realized it's already 4pm. We decided to go to the mosque to pray. And what I like from this day is we were going anywhere by foot, except when we went home we took a train. After we prayed, we went to the mall that located near the university. We also went there by foot and he was surprised that the mall was that close. When we got into the mall we spent the time at the bookstore, waiting for the time. Then we went to a restaurant because he said he wants to eat in a not-so-crowded and cozy place (the way he said cozy was funny I laughed so hard).

In the restaurant, waiting for maghrib time to break our fasting, we told each other stories about our campus life. It was so fun I didn't think that it was actually a long time. We ate and after that we bought two cups of cold drink and walked by foot to the train station. After that we went home by train and we really looked like a couple. I didn't know if he feels the same, but I was just happy.

And here are some stuffs you need to know about him. He is almost 19 years old, was born in 1994 just like me. I met him at a suplementary class (he was from different high school, though). He's tall, I don't know how tall but my head is about his shoulder or neck. He has this cheerful and quite good looking face, yesterday when we walked, people's eyes were attached to him (kind of sad to me). He is studying technology management and currently lives alone in Bandung for his study. We've been friends since 2nd year of highschool, and as long as I know, he has never been in a relationship before. That what makes my expectation high...

But from his attitudes he looks like he doesn't want to be in a relationship. I just wish that he has the same feeling as I have. Well it's not that I love him, I just think that he would make a good boyfriend and a good husband and I don't mind to spend my life with him.

Today

I know, I'm so not creative in making a post title. But that's the only thing that I can think of.

So today I went to my grandparents' house to have a breakfast (it's not a morning meal, but something we do to 'break' our fasting, I'm a Moslem. Use some google?) together with big family. There were my grandfather, my aunts (I have lots of them but there were only five of them), two uncles, two cousins and a step-cousin (he's married with one of my cousin), my sister (of course), my mom, four little cousins, and a niece (from my married cousin). It was really fun because I got along with the little kids. But it's maybe because the three of them are boys and I have this specialty of getting along with boys. But my niece is really cute, she's like Sully from Monsters Inc.
We watched Spirited Away together, which I happened to brought in my iPod. Well I use my iPod sometimes for flash drive, because it's 80GB and I'm too poor to purchase a flash drive. It was fun, really fun. The kids are cheerful and that gave me some energy.
And there's this one little cousin (a girl), she started her school life in kindergarten a week ago. Usually she really annoys me, because I'm not slim and pretty like my sister is, and this kid always say that I'm ugly and she doesn't wanna play with me. She hurst my pride, sometimes. I tried to think that she's just a little girl and still don't know much about how she has hurt someon, so I just let it go. But today was different. When I, my sister, and my mom was about to go home, this girl held me from going home, saying that I have to stay the night. I was really happy, it was the first time she ever does that kind of thing for me.
And that was the highlight. She was being cute for me.


After that, when I got home, I turned on my laptop and talked to my friends in Japan whom I told you before. He said he was just finished playing tennis and he asked me what sports I like. Then he said he remembered that I don't like playing sports and I'm the kind of 'indoor girl'. I actually didn't really get offended by what he said, I just thought that "Oh he's right I really lack of outdoor activities." So I immediately ask my friend of mine if I could join the basketball club in my faculty. And she said it's easy for me to join in, so I will be joining them in the new term. When she said that, I was happy I can finally tell this friend in Japan something that I'm currently joining a sport club.

My Songs of The Week

1. Radioactive - Imagine Dragons
2. Titanium - David Guetta ft. Sia
3. Asleep - The Smith
4. more to be listed!

This Weekend's Mood Booster

Hi, I am currently riding a train to my university and I thought I could make use some time to write a blog post here.

So a week ago I decided that I wanted to join an exchange program held by an organization. They said it's ok if I couldn't pay the accomodation fee, as long as I would pay the administration and the preparation fee. And I thought, "Wow that's just perfect!" So I decided to apply.
I passed the form selection, and I was contacted to have an interview with the committee as the second step. I was promised to be contacted via skype video call at 10pm on Wednesday and I agreed to it. Just a few hours before the interview, I stumbled across upon the organization's website and I was shocked. The administration and preparation fee of the exchange was about in a range I couldn't afford…… Hell why didn't I read the rules carefully back then. So I texted the committee who was going to interview me and I said that I resigned due to family circumstances.
I really hate myself at this time, because how could I be so careless, not reading all thrle regulations and all……

But at the evening I got cheered up because I conversed with some friends from highschool and a friend from Japan. I really glad I have them 

So when I was in 3rd grade of highshool, I enrolled in a suplementary class outside school, and the friends from the class are the ones I had a conversation with. I miss them very much since they're the ones who struggled with me to get accepted at our target university. But we're not only studying, we were also laughing together and experienced new things in the suplementary class. We even watched some horror movies when the other classes were busy studying  We had a conversation in facebook to discuss when we will meet to breakfast together in this Ramadan month 

And then I will tell you about my friend who is currently living in Japan. He's a Japanese, indeed. I knew him from Omegle and he was just like me, was just trying that out. I think I knew him since years ago, and that's not a short time, I mean, for someone you knew from Omegle who could disappear and no longer know you anymore anytime, he's still there. He even said that he would guide me in Tokyo if I'm going to Japan 
He's also the one whom I could tell anything since he knows no one here and no one here knows him. It just feels nice, telling stories without being afraid of people whom you don't want to find out.
And I must really get slim before I'm going to Japan and meet him, hahaha 

There's also a guy whom I knew from Tumblr, he lives in Holland, but his grandparents are from Indonesia. His family is one of the people who were forced to move to Holland when it was 'zaman penjajahan' (well I don't know that word in English). So now he and his whole family live in Holland.

I am sure surrounded by lovely people, in the real life or not 

Love

What is love? I think I had my first love when I was in 7th grade of junior high school, and after that I've never really had any serious feeling towards a person, unless if they're the one who came for me. The meaning of love is so precious for me, I can't bear to see people nowadays throw the words of love anytime they want in every place; that disgusts me.

There's this one person, whom I think he's my first love, and now I still hear from him and I feel glad knowing he's fine. Back then in junior highschool, he was the Head of Students Union (or say, Ketua OSIS). He was just soooo cooool I often stalked him after the classes were over (well I just saw him off in the bus he took home, though, if that counts as stalking). When it's morning, I always stood in front of my class and seeing people who just came, wondered if he was coming everyday. And whenever I saw him, I feel this happy feeling eventhough I was just seeing him from far.
Oh, and when I was in 7th grade, I had some friends (I no longer keep in touch with them eventually), and I told them about this guy who had been my crush. And there's this one girl, just call him April, she knows how much I like this guy and she once shared a photo of him she got from her sister's friend yearbook (her sister's friend is an alumnus from my former junior highschool).
Encouraged by the motivation to know him, I bravely sent him a text. And wonderfully, he replied nicely (because he's really a nice guy). We started texting each other after that, but it was always me who started (you can say that I was a passively-aggressive kind back then). Sadly, he never knew who I really am. Well I don't know if now he already knows that I am the one who texted him wildly, since until know we hardly know each other. It's a sad story.
One day, a friend of mine (the one who gave me my nickname) told me that April and him went out. It wasn't a drama, but I was directly going to toilet, to cry. Starting from that day, I hate April, even until now I still have a bad preconception about her. What really broke my heart is, not after so long she broke up with him with the rumors said that she's bored with him. Well what a bitch! I knew that there was nothing I could do, I really want to talk with him and comfort him, but I'm in no place to do such. But time passes, somehow. Everything's just a past and everybody accepts it as a memory. So do I. It's still a sad memory, though.

After that moment, I no longer feel  that I ever liked someone as much as this, I mean he was my first love, everyone seemed so plain. Eventhough after that I went out with some guys, I felt that I just played around (and I'm guessing the guys also did the same so there's no need to feel sorry). Except for this one guy I met in highschool. I was the one who broke our tie, because he's just too obsessive and our relationship started to get unhealthy (if you know what I mean). He desperately said that he was so in love with me and convinced me to get back with me, but I refused. I know he's a good guy, he's really a good guy, but I don't like on how he treated me. Well, we kissed, and did some make outs. But if I didn't broke up with him, maybe I'm no longer virgin. So I think it was a good decision back then to broke up with him. And see, now he's with another girl, doing fine than ever.

So what is love again? I don't think it's such an easy word nor an easy thing to do.

Highschool Memories

I think I won't continue my highschool stories. It's tiring.