The Hanging Star

So last night I dreamt of a guy, let's call him B. He was in 8 Senior High School, the best highschool ever in Jakarta, and in Indonesia I think. He won the first place in OSN, National Science Olympiad in Geography category (won't tell you which year though...). He's an agnostic and I admired him so much because of his honesty. He is brave to state publicly that he is an agnostic. He's also really smart, right now what I know is he's the leader of some national olympiad in geography for highschoolers in Indonesia. He is obsessed with human-centipede (google it, it's scary) and he once told people in his twitter that there's 'a girl' in his room and he was attracted to her and they were kind of communicating. And that doesn't make him weird, even he looks cool in my eyes.

I had a dream that he is devoted to me, I mean, he liked me, and willing to do anything for me. In my dream he brought me in a rocket (yeah....space rocket) to the outer space to show me the beauty of the space. But there's something missing so I can't fully enjoy it, so he made some stuffs (some really cool stuffs--in a way, nerd stuffs) and I remembered I have this thought on my mind (when I was dreaming, ofcourse) "What can't you do?" I mean, he just knows how to do everything and pleases woman! I really, really admire him. I don't even care if he's not religious or something. But in fact, I believe that he is more religious than whoever you think is religious. He knows the differences between the religions, and that means he has studied them all, right? I think if I'm not lazy enough and want to surf the knowledge between the religions I will become an agnostic as well, but I know my limit; I have a family and they all are expecting from me. I just can't be something other than a moslem. That is why I wear hijab. I want to make my self always aware that I am and always have to be a moslem. I know, the reason (because of the family) is really silly for people who seek the truth, but it's a world where I can't live without them, so I have to find a way of what can I do to behave my self.
The thing is I really admire B. I always wonder when will I meet this person in reality. He is now enrolled in FITB ITB, the place where I really want to be. I wonder if I entered this institute I would know him in person and get to know him further. He's just like a star (like his name) that I can't reach from my place. I really hate the fact that he liked me is only in my dream. It's not like I'm obsessed with him, I just really want to know him, that's all!! In this point I really want to cry...for not being able to do what I want to do. His life is like a dream, I really hope that someday I will meet him in person and he recognizes me.

Actually this blog post wasn't supposed to talk about him, it supposed to tell how I am now in a broken heart. But B's charm is too enormous I just can't stop thinking about him. I will write my broken heart story in another post later.

Before Sunrise Before The Sunset

The day before yesterday felt like a movie. Have you ever watched Before Sunrise before? A movie that tells a story about a guy who met a girl in a train and then took the girl for a walk for the whole day in Venice. The movie mostly was just a conversation between them, but it's enough to tell the audience how big their love is, eventhough they just met on that day.

It was monday, and I have a friend and let's call him E. I texted him, asked him whether he wanted to go out with me because I found the day was boring. Plus it's Ramadan month, it could be a good excuse for us to have a breakfast together. But it was already too late because it was already 4pm or 5pm and I wonder if we were gonna make it in time to have a breakfast. So I told him to go out tomorrow and he agreed.

So it was tuesday, I was already on campus in the morning since I have work to do. Then I finished on 2pm, and E said that he was gonna arrive at my university on 2 or 3 pm. So I rushed to the main shelter where the train station is located, by university bus. I waited and then he came~~!

We then walked along from the train station to my university main library, we talked and catched up. When we arrived at the library, E said he wants to sit for a minute and then we sat in the stone bench in front of the lake. It was crowded with people sitting here and there, discussing their own business. I felt like we were a couple, because that's just typical. I mean, sitting in front of the lake and enjoying the scenery while talking about our lives. It felt like we were on a movie. I can barely hear a soundtrack inside my brain.

We talked and then realized it's already 4pm. We decided to go to the mosque to pray. And what I like from this day is we were going anywhere by foot, except when we went home we took a train. After we prayed, we went to the mall that located near the university. We also went there by foot and he was surprised that the mall was that close. When we got into the mall we spent the time at the bookstore, waiting for the time. Then we went to a restaurant because he said he wants to eat in a not-so-crowded and cozy place (the way he said cozy was funny I laughed so hard).

In the restaurant, waiting for maghrib time to break our fasting, we told each other stories about our campus life. It was so fun I didn't think that it was actually a long time. We ate and after that we bought two cups of cold drink and walked by foot to the train station. After that we went home by train and we really looked like a couple. I didn't know if he feels the same, but I was just happy.

And here are some stuffs you need to know about him. He is almost 19 years old, was born in 1994 just like me. I met him at a suplementary class (he was from different high school, though). He's tall, I don't know how tall but my head is about his shoulder or neck. He has this cheerful and quite good looking face, yesterday when we walked, people's eyes were attached to him (kind of sad to me). He is studying technology management and currently lives alone in Bandung for his study. We've been friends since 2nd year of highschool, and as long as I know, he has never been in a relationship before. That what makes my expectation high...

But from his attitudes he looks like he doesn't want to be in a relationship. I just wish that he has the same feeling as I have. Well it's not that I love him, I just think that he would make a good boyfriend and a good husband and I don't mind to spend my life with him.

Today

I know, I'm so not creative in making a post title. But that's the only thing that I can think of.

So today I went to my grandparents' house to have a breakfast (it's not a morning meal, but something we do to 'break' our fasting, I'm a Moslem. Use some google?) together with big family. There were my grandfather, my aunts (I have lots of them but there were only five of them), two uncles, two cousins and a step-cousin (he's married with one of my cousin), my sister (of course), my mom, four little cousins, and a niece (from my married cousin). It was really fun because I got along with the little kids. But it's maybe because the three of them are boys and I have this specialty of getting along with boys. But my niece is really cute, she's like Sully from Monsters Inc.
We watched Spirited Away together, which I happened to brought in my iPod. Well I use my iPod sometimes for flash drive, because it's 80GB and I'm too poor to purchase a flash drive. It was fun, really fun. The kids are cheerful and that gave me some energy.
And there's this one little cousin (a girl), she started her school life in kindergarten a week ago. Usually she really annoys me, because I'm not slim and pretty like my sister is, and this kid always say that I'm ugly and she doesn't wanna play with me. She hurst my pride, sometimes. I tried to think that she's just a little girl and still don't know much about how she has hurt someon, so I just let it go. But today was different. When I, my sister, and my mom was about to go home, this girl held me from going home, saying that I have to stay the night. I was really happy, it was the first time she ever does that kind of thing for me.
And that was the highlight. She was being cute for me.


After that, when I got home, I turned on my laptop and talked to my friends in Japan whom I told you before. He said he was just finished playing tennis and he asked me what sports I like. Then he said he remembered that I don't like playing sports and I'm the kind of 'indoor girl'. I actually didn't really get offended by what he said, I just thought that "Oh he's right I really lack of outdoor activities." So I immediately ask my friend of mine if I could join the basketball club in my faculty. And she said it's easy for me to join in, so I will be joining them in the new term. When she said that, I was happy I can finally tell this friend in Japan something that I'm currently joining a sport club.

My Songs of The Week

1. Radioactive - Imagine Dragons
2. Titanium - David Guetta ft. Sia
3. Asleep - The Smith
4. more to be listed!

This Weekend's Mood Booster

Hi, I am currently riding a train to my university and I thought I could make use some time to write a blog post here.

So a week ago I decided that I wanted to join an exchange program held by an organization. They said it's ok if I couldn't pay the accomodation fee, as long as I would pay the administration and the preparation fee. And I thought, "Wow that's just perfect!" So I decided to apply.
I passed the form selection, and I was contacted to have an interview with the committee as the second step. I was promised to be contacted via skype video call at 10pm on Wednesday and I agreed to it. Just a few hours before the interview, I stumbled across upon the organization's website and I was shocked. The administration and preparation fee of the exchange was about in a range I couldn't afford…… Hell why didn't I read the rules carefully back then. So I texted the committee who was going to interview me and I said that I resigned due to family circumstances.
I really hate myself at this time, because how could I be so careless, not reading all thrle regulations and all……

But at the evening I got cheered up because I conversed with some friends from highschool and a friend from Japan. I really glad I have them 

So when I was in 3rd grade of highshool, I enrolled in a suplementary class outside school, and the friends from the class are the ones I had a conversation with. I miss them very much since they're the ones who struggled with me to get accepted at our target university. But we're not only studying, we were also laughing together and experienced new things in the suplementary class. We even watched some horror movies when the other classes were busy studying  We had a conversation in facebook to discuss when we will meet to breakfast together in this Ramadan month 

And then I will tell you about my friend who is currently living in Japan. He's a Japanese, indeed. I knew him from Omegle and he was just like me, was just trying that out. I think I knew him since years ago, and that's not a short time, I mean, for someone you knew from Omegle who could disappear and no longer know you anymore anytime, he's still there. He even said that he would guide me in Tokyo if I'm going to Japan 
He's also the one whom I could tell anything since he knows no one here and no one here knows him. It just feels nice, telling stories without being afraid of people whom you don't want to find out.
And I must really get slim before I'm going to Japan and meet him, hahaha 

There's also a guy whom I knew from Tumblr, he lives in Holland, but his grandparents are from Indonesia. His family is one of the people who were forced to move to Holland when it was 'zaman penjajahan' (well I don't know that word in English). So now he and his whole family live in Holland.

I am sure surrounded by lovely people, in the real life or not 

Love

What is love? I think I had my first love when I was in 7th grade of junior high school, and after that I've never really had any serious feeling towards a person, unless if they're the one who came for me. The meaning of love is so precious for me, I can't bear to see people nowadays throw the words of love anytime they want in every place; that disgusts me.

There's this one person, whom I think he's my first love, and now I still hear from him and I feel glad knowing he's fine. Back then in junior highschool, he was the Head of Students Union (or say, Ketua OSIS). He was just soooo cooool I often stalked him after the classes were over (well I just saw him off in the bus he took home, though, if that counts as stalking). When it's morning, I always stood in front of my class and seeing people who just came, wondered if he was coming everyday. And whenever I saw him, I feel this happy feeling eventhough I was just seeing him from far.
Oh, and when I was in 7th grade, I had some friends (I no longer keep in touch with them eventually), and I told them about this guy who had been my crush. And there's this one girl, just call him April, she knows how much I like this guy and she once shared a photo of him she got from her sister's friend yearbook (her sister's friend is an alumnus from my former junior highschool).
Encouraged by the motivation to know him, I bravely sent him a text. And wonderfully, he replied nicely (because he's really a nice guy). We started texting each other after that, but it was always me who started (you can say that I was a passively-aggressive kind back then). Sadly, he never knew who I really am. Well I don't know if now he already knows that I am the one who texted him wildly, since until know we hardly know each other. It's a sad story.
One day, a friend of mine (the one who gave me my nickname) told me that April and him went out. It wasn't a drama, but I was directly going to toilet, to cry. Starting from that day, I hate April, even until now I still have a bad preconception about her. What really broke my heart is, not after so long she broke up with him with the rumors said that she's bored with him. Well what a bitch! I knew that there was nothing I could do, I really want to talk with him and comfort him, but I'm in no place to do such. But time passes, somehow. Everything's just a past and everybody accepts it as a memory. So do I. It's still a sad memory, though.

After that moment, I no longer feel  that I ever liked someone as much as this, I mean he was my first love, everyone seemed so plain. Eventhough after that I went out with some guys, I felt that I just played around (and I'm guessing the guys also did the same so there's no need to feel sorry). Except for this one guy I met in highschool. I was the one who broke our tie, because he's just too obsessive and our relationship started to get unhealthy (if you know what I mean). He desperately said that he was so in love with me and convinced me to get back with me, but I refused. I know he's a good guy, he's really a good guy, but I don't like on how he treated me. Well, we kissed, and did some make outs. But if I didn't broke up with him, maybe I'm no longer virgin. So I think it was a good decision back then to broke up with him. And see, now he's with another girl, doing fine than ever.

So what is love again? I don't think it's such an easy word nor an easy thing to do.

Highschool Memories

I think I won't continue my highschool stories. It's tiring.

July 11, 2013

Last night was the first time I felt like a college student. I mean, the first time I'm doing all my work all alone and get really passionate with it. It's all thanks to that one teacher who makes us do all the work like making chapter summaries or exercises.
But the problem is I got too excited watching downloaded movies before started studying, and I just started doing the exercises at 11pm while the amount of exercise is just a lot. So I worked on them, one by one, (literally) translated the questions carefully, solved them, and matched my answers with the solutions manual. It just took a lot of time and I still had two difficult problems to solve when the clock showing 2:50am. Oh it's Ramadan Month now, we Moslems and we do the fasting, so normally I have to take sahur before Subuh, around 4:30, and my family usually wake up at 3:30am. But I'm on my period now, so I don't have do the fasting. And I knew that I had to sleep right away without having all the problems solved, because in a short time my family would all wake up and I'll be lectured on how I wasn't doing the homework without procrastinated. So I went to sleep.

Now it's 7:26am, I'm on my train to the university. I've done one problem but the last one is just too hard I couldn't do it. I'll just soon copy the answers haha.

Oh and last night I had two cups of coffee, my head is all dizzy now because of that besides I just slept for 2 hours. And I had one cup more this morning. Did I make a bad choice? Well looks like I did because I took an asthma pill right after I wake up.

Highschool Memories (Pt.I)

Good evening.
It's June 22nd, saturday night. I just got home from attending my annual highschool event. I met many friends, juniors, and teachers. There were also my precious friends, whom I really miss. Whenever I reminisce the highschool times, it's just dazzling me and I can't seem to move on from those times. The people, the atmosphere, the building, everything.....

Well since I have a boring saturday night let me write my highschool story here, right from when I started studying in highschool, until I graduate. It might miss some details since I don't really remember everything, but I'll do my best.

But first I will use Bahasa Indonesia....karena akan repot kalo gue cerita pake bahasa inggris dan ada kata-kata yang gue gak tahu dalam bahasa inggris tapi itu sangat penting untuk diceritakan.

Seingat gue itu pagi yang cerah, kami siswa-siswi baru udah baris rapi di halaman sekolah. Masih pake seragam SMP tentunya, dan saat itu gue agak nervous karena gue akan ketemu sama orang-orang baru. Yang makin bikin gue nervous tentunya adalah jumlah cowok gantengnya lumayan banyak, baik dari senior maupun sesama murid baru. Saat itu gue masih suka membayangkan hal-hal kayak di komik, ketemu cowok ganteng di hari pertama sekolah dan kemudian deket sama dia dan kemudian pacaran.................well namanya juga anak gadis kebanyakan baca komik gak apa-apa lah ya. Trus ada juga beberapa siswi baru yang cantik banget, pake seragam swasta pula, dan gue merasa sangat minder. Agak memalukan sih alasannya, tapi yah...........gimana dong.
Intinya gue sangat excited lah ya, masuk ke lingkungan baru, berharap bakal banyak dapet pengalaman baru dan ketemu sama orang-orang baru juga.

Lalu event yang gue inget selanjutnya adalah waktu masa-masa orientasi. Waktu itu kelasnya belum fix soalnya kami semua harus ikut semacam test dulu gitu. Itu adalah pertama kalinya gue make lembar jawaban SMA yang agak memprihatinkan kalo dibandingin sama lembar jawaban komputer pas SMP (soalnya yang SMP beli gitu jadi agak bagus, kalo yang SMA kayaknya bikin sendiri) dan gue takut input jawaban gue gak kebaca komputer tapi akhirnya semuanya baik-baik saja.

Setelah itu ada LDK untuk seluruh siswa baru, diadainnya di Kopassus.Widih ini memorable banget coy. Berangkat rame-rame naik truk tronton, pertama kalinya juga dilatih ala militer, seru banget pokoknya. Makan dihitung waktunya (kalo sekarang sih pasti udah banyak ngelewatin acara yang menuntut ini, tapi dulu ini pertama kalinya banget jadi masih wow), mandi rame-rame (gue gak mandi sih akhirnya, airnya kotor banget mbakbro), jurit malam yang agak absurd, dan tidur di tempat tidur tentara (gue gak tau apa namanya) tapi itu super comfy banget. LDK di sini itu pertama kalinya gue sadar kalo ternyata anak SMA gue banyak juga... (tapi pada akhirnya pas lulus kemaren gue udah tau semua orang-orangnya). Dan gue juga udah bisa membedakan mana orang-orang yang bakal ngegeng ekslusif dan biasa aja, tapi pada akhirnya gue sekolah di sini sih si gengges yang ngekslusif itu akhirnya ngeblend juga.......that's why I love this school so much. Gak ngerti karena faktor apa, grup-grup yang berbeda selalu bisa gabung (gue termasuk grup-grup itu juga sih). Di LDK ini juga di malam terakhirnya ditampilin video tentang Kopassus gitu dan gue inget banget dulu gue nangis karena diliatin perjuangan tentara-tentara Kopassus ini waktu terjun di lapangan demi tanah air.. *sobs* agak silly sih tapi memorable banget.

Selanjutnya ada MOS, Masa Orientasi Sekolah. Waktunya 3 hari, kegiatannya itu ya orientasi, materinya diisi sama guru-guru dan kakak-kakak MPK/OSIS. Yang selalu teringat adalah senam junkfood yang diperagain sama kakak-kakak OSIS. "Pizza hut, pizza hut, kentucky fried chicken pizza hut. Pizza hut, pizza hut, kentucky fried chicken pizza hut. McDooonald McDoonald, kentucky fried chicken pizza hut." Ini kayak udah senam wajib waktu masa orientasi sekolah gue. Kelas MOS gue dulu dibimbing sama kakak-kakak MPK/OSIS yang bikin gue pengen banget ikutan organisasi, soalnya it seemed so fun!! Yang gue inget dulu kelas gue dibimbing sama Kak L. Harusnya ada 3 tapi gue lupa lagi siapa, soalnya selama orientasi itu kakak-kakak MPK/OSIS yang gak ngebimbing di kelas juga masuk ke semua kelas, gantian perkenalan diri masing-masing. And I was like 'Hwaaa kakkoiiii' karena mereka make jaket almamater MPK/OSIS warna item. How could I not be in awe. Selain itu mereka juga masing-masing mempromosikan ekstrakurikulernya masing-masing, dan gue sangat tertarik masuk ekskur fotografi. Namun pada akhirnya gue gak ikut ekskur fotografi haha karena gue kira itu ekskur yang mahal dan membutuhkan kamera.

Abis itu ada semacam acara unjuk kesenian yang ditampilin sama murid-murid baru gitu. Kelas MOS gue dulu nampilin drama musikal gitu, berhubung ada yang kebule-bulean di kelas gue jadi diambillah tema penjajahan dimana tentara pribumi jatuh cinta sama noni Belanda (oh well..) tapi itu seru banget, biarpun gue cuma jadi paduan suara aja haha.

Anyway I will continue this tomorrow soon yaahhhh, oyasuminasai!!

Introduction

Oh anyway I am a girl, whose name means 'Sun'. Currently living with parents and a flashy old sister who loves wearing make up. Enrolled in a university that people said is the best in Indonesia (umiversity, not an institute. Learn the differences) but I think it isn't that good. Majoring chemistry science, yeah I actually don't know what I'm doing but still I dream to be a scientist who runs a lab on a developed country. But since everyone says that majoring pure science subject doesn't mean you have to work on that field, I've made up my mind, I will work in a high-end factory and earn much money so I can go to Iceland and enjoy life as much as I could.

I decided to make a blog, a private blog I won't tell anyone about it. I'm having this kind of personality that I believe there is no one that I could trust. No one should know how I really feel except myself and a person I really cherish. And someday when I found the one, I will tell him this blog. I find people so annoying when it comes to personal feeling, they just really curious and feel that they have to know everything. So in society I act like I really want to know what they feel by being overcurious etc, but actually I don't really care. I am faking for my own sake (well who doesn't). But I really value the friendship with several people from highschool. They give me something valuable in life and I couldn't ask for more.

So whoever find this blog, enjoy. Feel free to judge, I encourage you to do so because that's what makes us human.

Everyone's Good Girl

I have been wondering how it feels like to be everyone's good girl. Does it feel nice? How does it feel to be loved by everyone? It's not like that I've never received any love even from my family; my family loves me too much I can say they spoiled me in any way they can. But it's just when I go outside and see people, see my so-called-friend, I wonder if they really notice if someday I'm gone.

I'm a cold person, said everyone. I have a plain expression so no one really knows how I feel if I don't tell them. I'm doing this because in the past, I learned that everyone always gave me fake responses whenever I tell them how I feel. It's like "Oh, is that so?" and that's all. So I decided, "Why should I tell them everything? Are they even concerned?" that was how I turned to this kind of person.

I love watching dramas, especially the japanese dramas, and the romantic ones. Most of the main girl character always has cheerful, wonderful personality that makes people around her want to always be with her. How nice. I also have some friends who have that kind of personality. I envy them so much. Especially this one person.

She used to be my closest friend when I entered university. But time surpasses everything. It's decided that I am not compatible with her, she's just too pure and I hate this kind of girl, because I can't distinguish when they're faking or not. Yes I know I am being too cautious and irrational, but I need it. Life taught me to always be careful when choosing friends or people who will involve much in your life, so you don't get disappointed in the end.
Well anyway, this girl is like a jewel, too precious to be ignored yet too risky to be involved in my life. I know someday I'll be hurt by this kind of friend; they are too busy with themselves they won't know if they had hurt other people.
But sometimes I wonder how she feels, receiving that many attentions I know I would never receive. She must really enjoy her life. I envy her.

And I hate this kind of girl so much.